The Secrets of Chasing Women and Having Fun
Another Mystery in the Life of Mike Roberts
For those of you who have not yet met my dear friend Big Ike, He and I go back about a dozen years. Ike is in the concrete business, which like other housing sector businesses is going through some turbulent times. Ike is following this blog and sent me the following post…..
My Dear Friend Ike Writes:
“Good morning my friend, THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HATH MADE AND I WILL REJOICE IN IT! Happy is the man and he alone, he who can call today his own, he who without regret can say, TOMORROW DO THY DAMNDIST FOR I HAVE LIVED TODAY! 3 days ago I didn't even know what a blog was! Now I have on! I just don't know how to write anything on it! Would you do me the great honor of writing something for me based on the theme of chasing women, and having fun! Your style is so much more eloquent, and refined! Call me! Love Ya Man!!!!!! PURA VIDA, Ike
PS Did I spell damnedist correct? It would not come up on spell check?
Since this blog is about letting go I decided Ike’s request fits in ….at least kind of….my response is below…
My dear friend Big Ike asked me to help kick-start his blog by writing something about chasing women and having fun. Obviously this is a great topic, and one that many men and possibly women would be greatly interested in. The unfortunate part of this topic for me is it is a topic I know just about nothing about, especially these days.
Let me try and explain. Here are my list of reasons and excuses for pleading ignorance on this subject.
1. Of my 54 years on this planet, I have held a job for 42 of those years and have been married 35 of them. This did not leave me a whole lot of time for mastering the fine art of having fun or chasing women.
2. Physical Appearance – I’d like to tell you that I have the type of body that “men fear and women love”, however those of you that know me – know better. Another thing that doesn’t help is the fact that, I have the perfect face - for radio.
3. Finally, it seems like every time I was starting to succeed at chasing women or having fun – I’d fool around and get myself caught.
Don’t get me wrong, I was always deeply interested in both topics, just didn’t have the time or the money required to master them. In fact, I have been so unlucky at chasing women and having fun that complete strangers have walked up and said to me “I’ll bet you couldn’t get lucky in a women’s prison with hand full of paroles.”
My dear old Pappy told me that there was only two ways to attract women, and none of the men in our family had ever really figured out how either of them worked.
While I maynot much in the playboy department, I do consider myself an intrepid writer, not afraid of any subject, regardless of how little I may know about the subject. Lack of knowledge has never stopped me before, and I won’t let it stop me now. Especially, since I have a ½ dozen single friends who sometimes provide me updates on these exciting subjects – and I am a good listener.
First, Ike let me give you a possible title for your new blog site.....I know how hard it is to come up with a good title so here you go....
My Journey: From 55 year-old Plowboy to Middle Aged Playboy
Now here are a few potential topics.....
Top 10....er....6......ok 4 Tips for Chasing Women;
1. Frequent Target Rich Environments. According to some of my more successful friends these are environments where the ratio of women to men is at last three – two. Further, it can be helpful, if the women at these places were / are formerly married to oil millionaires, bankers, doctors, lawyers, or other wealthy professional vermin. In some cases these ladies may just be looking for a deckhand for a night of fun; in other cases it can be more serious. My recommendation is as always, be careful.
2. Be sure and use the Internet Dating Service that is right for you. Subscribe to all Internet dating services, but be a little bit careful about how you use them. Some, like E-Harmony are actually trying to fix you up with someone who is compatible with you, this could put a quick end to chasing women and having fun….so watch it. Others, like match.com, are more helpful, just trying to match up horny couples who need to get laid. Be sure when using these services not to fall in love, as your likelihood of true compatibility is somewhat diminished. Finally, there is Craigslist.com; where you are most likely to find hookers and catch a serious STD.
(Case Study; I have a buddy who has got to be over 70 who told me he was getting more every month, than he had in the last 10 years. He was seeing White, Black, Asian, and Hispanic women) His top secrets were Money, Match.Com, and Viagra. I asked him about STD’s and he claimed that at his age his doctor said he was "immune".
3. Always wear a wedding ring. If you have thrown all your old one’s out, go and buy a new one. These are must attire for gentlemen on the prowl. You see with a wedding ring, there is an automatic assumption of “no-commitments”, apparently and according to the experts, many women feel extremely comfortable with this sort of arrangement. This issue has become so prevalent, that a musician friend of mine has quit wearing his wedding ring, to prevent these type of women from stalking him.
4. Style Yourself. Keep in mind that the style you present, will determine the type of women you may attract. Here are a couple of classifications:
a. High Style - Drives a 2008 Atomic Orange Convertible Corvette. Wears swanky looking clothes, with matching shoes. Body build etc. thin, tan, muscular. Carries a minimum of twenty one hundred dollar bills in a gold money clip. Wears Rolex President watch. Also has, a wallet full over the limit plastic. This guy gets them just about every time. Trouble is, sometimes they just want his money.
b. Medium Style – Wears casual business clothes, glasses, looks somewhat inconspicuous. Carries two credit cards, one personal, one business. Medium build; average appearance. This is a very dangerous style to display. It will tend to attract only women who want to marry you, and usually if they are attractive they have 2 kids under 5 years old.
c. Deckhand – Wears only sleeveless shirts, with somewhat faded bluejeans or cut-off’s in the summer. Occasionally, wears a mullet (especially in the south). Has glorious tan, strong abs, big chest and biceps. Might have beer money in his pocket, no watch, no socks, no underwear. This is the ideal style if you can pull it off, it’s the "what you see is what you get – party boy look". Guaranteed for a night of fun.
Top Ways to Run Off Women:
1. Please review the profile of Mike Roberts. This has been almost fool proof for over 50 years.
2. Use some of those outdate lines from the 70’s like “what is your sign?” or “have you been sitting in a puddle or are you glad to see me?
3. Get some of those mud flaps for your pick-up with the naked gal silhouette.
4. Get a Tee Shirt that says “if they didn’t have vaginas, there would be a bounty on them."
If any of the rest of you have ideas for Big Ike's Chasing Women and Having Fun Blog, you can post them here, or email them to Big Ike in person @ email@example.com
One more word of wisdom for the ladies who might read this to keep in mind, I have had 4 friends get married in the last two years, none of them are still married. Although, I suspect this has little to do with me, my official record over the last two years is 4 marriages; 3 divorces; 1 annulment; and no one left on base.
None the less, I have given this assignment my best & I wish all of you…..
All the best,